This post is for the benefit of my general audience. I haven’t been productive for a long time now and I figured one or two of you might like an explanation as to why.
Out of consideration for my own mental health, I have decided to officially focus on quality over quantity. Sometime in the early 2000’s, when I was an award-winning Newgrounds user and was actively competing with websites like Doodie and Something Awful, I made the mistake of convincing myself that I could provide quality content on a daily basis. I saw other websites doing it, and, without a moment’s thought regarding whether they were run by more than one person, decided I could keep up.
In the beginning this wasn’t a terrible idea. I have a backlog of pre-written comics, hundreds of pages and strips that could be posted daily for a substantial period of time. I conditioned myself to create at least one solid idea or gag a day. But little by little, I made myself crazy. Okay, crazier. I set myself up for failure at the starting line.
If a day goes by without producing something creative, my self-hatred increases and my sleep schedule is decimated. If a week of days passes with no solid output, I grow despondent and miserable. I don’t expect anyone to understand this.
Some very blessed people pay to access the “good stuff” on my Patreon here. There are times where I feel overwhelmed with guilt because I should be cramming this site with material, when in reality long periods pass with nary an update. I don’t understand why I can’t just pour material out of myself as rapidly as I can think it. Take a look at the About page of my Bands I Useta Like website (now in its 10th year). Contemplate the absolute mania required for one person to create that amount of stuff. And it doesn’t even include the decades of daily/weekly editorial cartoons I was doing, at the same time.
I languish in confusion because I comprehend and trust other people even less than I ever did before. Even for an artist, I am alienated and dejected. For the better part of fourteen years, I created weekly Ceaseless Fables pages, first and foremost for myself, but now I struggle for a reason to continue. I feel like everything I have created has been for nothing.
Look at the world around you. Look at the people around you. Do you find anything that inspires? Does anything spark your imagination? Does anything give you hope for a better future? Does anything make you believe there will be one?
Lastly, if my latest article on the BIUL site disturbs you, or makes you consider withdrawing your support, consider the fact that for some time now I have been watching one of my dearest friends suffer and slowly die, thanks in no small part to conditions in this country that people who should god damn know better want to continue for another four years. I haven’t mentioned this because it’s not your business. My household has lost two pets this year and is infested with cockroaches. My eyesight is diminishing and two of my teeth have fallen out in the past six months. I have not set ink to paper since May (though I have been animating, largely out of obligation to the massive monthly fee required for the software).
I hope this helps everyone understand the extremity of my emotions, although I am simply being consistent with who I’ve always been. Thank you sincerely for your time and support.