First, the good news! The attached image is not only the first page of “Project OHPA”, which should already be known to my Patrons, but also a NEW animated project in the works soon! Also, my hamster Gomez, whom I adopted in late May of this year, loves to sit on my shoulder, and run in his wheel!
Okay- now for the bad news. Ready?
I’ll start with the small stuff. I was fine yesterday, and today I’m a wreck. The obvious reason for this would be the end-of-the-month terrors, but there is a matter beyond my control that I’m not at liberty to discuss in any way. Also, I have previously mentioned the egregiousness of my current living situation, where noise from “neighbors” keeps me up until 2 or 3 in the morning. Before you ask, yes, I have sent complaints to property management probably 30 times since I’ve lived here and it makes no difference. They don’t care. They would be tickled pink if my roommate and I left so they could move in someone new to the country who won’t complain if the neighbors make noise all night. I wish I was joking. They don’t care. I wish I could impress upon certain people how their behavior causes extreme stress to their neighbors, but NO ONE CARES. It’s just supposed to be life now, for those of us who should have gone into a better career where they could afford a place far away from obnoxious assholes.
Whether due to external factors or not, I have been experiencing dreams and nightmares so indistinguishable from reality that I can’t wake up before 10 am, even with alarms. Last night I dreamt that I was trying to contact my father by phone, and he has been dead for almost 12 years. I see an endless urban environment of crowded malls and razor-wired abandoned lots unknown to me in any way, where I can’t find my shoes, or can’t get a bicycle out of a blocked-off area riddled with crackheads. These dreams have been tormenting me for as long as I can remember. Could be a week, could be years, I have no idea. I have the shakes so bad right now that I’m having trouble typing. Again, I wish I was joking.
I am feeling better typing this, however. Slowly getting back to typing at my normal speed.
Unless things change, my living situation here will end in the next few months. This may seem like a good thing, being that this place absolutely sucks, but it’s not. I don’t have the means or income to move or live anyplace better. There are places I could move to that are outside of Georgia, but here’s the problem with that- I’m tethered to a local healthcare system that I can’t just exit. Without this system, I would’ve died or literally killed myself sometime in the last decade. “Just quitting” the medication I’m currently on is not an option. Whatever my mental state may be now, it’s sunshine and rainbows compared to 7 years ago. I’ve already gone on at length about the matter on my Bands I Useta Like site, so I’m not going to repeat myself here. But what you read about it here and elsewhere is merely the tip of the iceberg. It’s only what I can manage to write about it. There is an entire universe of torment that I can’t express in words.
I have to keep believing that I’m not obsolete and that I still have a place in this world. I appreciate that everyone seems to think I can hold down a 9-to-5 job, but I work without a net for a lot of reasons. I have no confidence applying for “normal” jobs because even as far back as 1993 I was having psychotic episodes at work. I deal with this by joking about it in my work. This is not news. But no one wants to work with or hire a man who can’t control his anger and/or opinions. My reality is that, for better or worse, I am doing as much as I can handle.
Since before 2020, I have applied for dozens of jobs, inside and outside of my field. I’m on Indeed, I’m on LinkedIn. I probably apply for one or two jobs a week. Half the time I’m whizzing into the wind because the job requires a degree, or five years of experience. If you have a job that pays your bills right now, or a spouse who lovingly supports you, thank your lucky stars. Seriously folks. You don’t understand the feeling of worthlessness that comes from not being able to make ends meet. You have no idea what it feels like when the world just wants to be rid of you. You don’t know what it’s like to push that boulder up the hill. Especially when you’ve been alone for over a decade, and you’re fifty years old. I only hope you don’t know.
The silver lining in all this is a new project I’m very slowly spearheading, until I can properly launch a crowdfunding page for it. You will completely and utterly flip your shit when you find out about it. It’s not the endlessly-delayed One Hundred Percent American or Bone Wars animations, nor is it the 6th issue of Bands I Useta Like, although those are all underway and tangentially related to the new project of which I speak. It came to me in a recent revelation and everything fell into place. I put the gears in motion and now I have renewed purpose. I’m not even gonna hint at what it is. God almighty, you have no idea how hard it is for me not to even give you a tiny hint here. (That wasn’t a hint, it’s not the return of Tiniest Restaurant. No one wants that.)
I’m shooting for October for the first tease and the opening of a crowdfunding page. There’s no way I can do this on my own dime, and I have the utmost confidence that this will be a successful project. I don’t even care if I end up eating those words. That’s how confident I am about it. Nothing galvanizes me quicker than the realization that I actually know what I’m doing. And it goes without saying, my Patron Saints here will know the details before the rest of the world.
To quote HAL 9000; “I feel much better now.” Thanks again sincerely for your support, from the most obscure cartoonist and animator in the world.